Back on the bus, ya'll

My romance with raw foods has been rocky recently. Intellectually, I know that eating raw foods makes me happy, sane, sexy and full of love. What’s the problem, then? It’s been over a year since I “discovered” raw foods, and part of me thinks that I should be full of radiant heath, eating 100% raw, a size 2, and preaching the raw food gospel around the world.

Yeah.

I wish I knew why I’m having such a hard time fusing my mind with my actions. It’s like I can’t get past the immediate gratification of rich, cooked, greasy foods for a long-term, much more intense gratification. Why can’t I just do it? Why haven’t I had the discipline to shop and prepare and bring my food? Why can’t I muscle through the “fuck-its”? Why why why.

What I have learned in recovery is that it’s not about finding out why. It doesn’t matter. My addictions don’t need to explain themselves. If I keep trying to find out why I’m trying to intellectualize a disease that does not operate in those terms. So I can ask why until I’m blue in the face, but I may never find out the answer and even if I do, it certainly won’t change anything.

So I’m not asking “Why?” today. I’m taking the next right action. I’m doing it one day at a time. I’m asking for and working on the willingness to take care of myself today, eat foods that nourish me and give me health and strength. And to know that there are some foods that I’m not eating today. Maybe one day I will, but for today there are some foods that are just not mine.

There’s a few things that have brought me back to wanting to commit to a more raw lifestyle:
1. The unbelievable support available from other raw people that I’ve met online.
2. That a work-friend is now raw! (the first person in my real life)
3. Warm weather (can’t deny the power of sunshine)
4. Thinking about my ex . . . It’s been about 3 months, and I think I’m finally digesting that relationship – the good and the bad. I’ve been reflecting on the last time we were together: I was on day 4 of a mini-juice feast and I had never felt more sexual, more connected, more at peace. And this at the end of a relatively tumultuous relationship. Instead of playing that game in my head where I think about how we’re going to get back together when we’ve both become the people that we’re meant to be, I’m actually ready to move on, And realizing that all I want is sexy back.

To borrow the phrase – I want sexy back. And I’m soooo going to get it.